I don't need any given day to remember Cass, he's my first, last and many inbetween, thought everyday, but today is special and I felt I wanted to share it with those who appreciated him. So....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING CB

wherever you are. 

XXX 

Well 2007 comes to a close - 365 days in any normal year.  359 days of hell.  359 to date and far too many more ahead without CB.  Not sure whether I feel thank god its over - no other year can be as bad as this was or oh no - this means he reaally, really, isn't coming home.

A few messages:

To those who never knew Cass Brown - I'm sorry you missed the BIG ONE

To those who knew him through his blog/book - take some of his wit with you through life - Happy New Year & thank you

To those who knew him, loved him and betrayed him.  You are without worth.

To us who knew him, loved him and lived for him .... we want him back.. please

TO THE MAJORITY OF YOU OUT THERE I would ask only one thing: please love each other 'full on' each and every single day

Nothing more to say .............. today ...........

Thanks everyone for the continued support - believe me it really helps me.

The other evening Rita and Tom came running down the stairs in almost total panic. "Mum, Mum, are you alright - what's happened?"

Me sitting there, tears streaming down my face, which is now bright red and soaking wet.  My stomach hurts so much.  I was reading Cancergiggles and was laughing like an idiot.  

It does exactly what it says on the tin - again and again - even though I know what's coming!

Cass, you still have it my Darling - thank you! 

So here it is folks, the 2nd most important entry I never thought I'd have to write.  You know, its weird.  My mum was also a young(ish) widow, she was 43 when my father died at 46 (cancer again and he was ill for 2 1/2 years).  She seems to have allowed herself, albeit unwittingly, to aged almost overnight and never appeared to live the rest of her 'young' days.  It was like: Widow = Old - NOW!  Well I always said that I would never be like that - whatever my age when 'it' happened, but I can now understand just how easy that slip can be.  How sneakily it wraps itself around you.  As a widow you don't want to become a burden on others, but you don't want to go on alone.  The words 'IF ONLY' fall continuously from my lips.

Shit happened and I could do nothing to stop it.

Cass and I had only 14 years together, but they were so intense.  He was and continues to be my one and only soul-mate.  I only existed with Cass - for Cass.  We spent virtually 24 hours a day together for those 14 years and so for him to be gone suddenly - and it was still sudden to me, even though most others around could see that fateful day drawing nearer - to me it was a day that would never come - stupid really but I guess I couldn't/wouldn't allow the thought to linger long enough for it to really sink in.  Probably the same for most people.  It just goes to show that we humans are more alike than we think. But if CB taught me anything it was that we move forward not back and no-one ever said it would be easy. So as a tribute to Cass forever more, I will go forward (at whatever pace it takes me).

I am very slowly finding a different me and learning what she's like to live with will be interesting ... for all concerned!

So now for 'THE' different funeral service promised and hopefully given to my eternally loved, greatly missed husband, lover, friend. Thank you CB.

Cass died 7 days before his 53rd birthday. 

Funeral Ceremony for Cass Brown Friday 19th January 2007 

Funeral Celebrant - Andrew Patey MICF

Opening Music:  'Classical Gas' - Eric Clapton

Despite the fact Cass always believed that one day he would be elected Pope, he did not have a strong religious faith.  Perhaps it was his atheism that was to deny him the papacy although, after the election of Pope Benedict, he was convinced that the only reason he himself was not being hailed as Pope Cass I as the white smoke appeared out of the chimney at the Vatican was because the damned German had got up early and put his towel over the rail of the balcony of St Peters.

It will come as no surprise to anyone here today that Cass's funeral will be somewhat unconventional.  For it to be anything else would not only seem strange to all of you but would probably result in Cass complaining bitterly on a celestial blog somewhere.

We will be remembering Cass with words from others and by hearing some of those he wrote himself and although there will be sadness because he is no longer with us, it is hoped that this will also be a laughter filled occasion which is what he would have wanted.

The music that will be played throughout the ceremony has been specially and carefully selected to reflect Cass's interests and tastes.  The final piece in particular will hpefully send you on your way with a smile on your face .  However, those of you who are easily offended or are of a sensitive disposition may wish to leave vefore this is played.  You have been warned!

When Kim asked me to lead today's celebration of Cass's life, I wondered if I would be able to do justice to the memory of this remarkable man.  If we had time I would simply read his book 'Cancergiggles' out loud from cover to cover as it would truly portry Cass's character, his indomitable spirit, his sense of fun and his zest for life in a far  better way then I am able to do in the time we have here today.  If you have not had the pleasure of reading this book then you do not know what you have missed.  I read it in one sitting and found it to be inspirational, heart-warming, moving and above all hilariously funny.

Cass had a simple philosophy.  LIFE IS FOR LIVING.  He never complained about his misfortunes, he just accepted them as part of life's rich pattern.  I have therefore chosen to begin our ceremony with some words written by Sir Winston Churchill.  He wrote:  Let us be contented with what has happened and be thankful for all that we have been spared.

Let us accept the natural order of things in which we move.

Let us reconcile ourselves to the mysterious rhythm of our destinies, such as they must be in this world of space and time.

Let us treasure our joys but not bewail our sorrows.  The glory of light cannot exist without its shadows.  

Life is a whole and good and ill must be accepted together.  The journey has been enjoyable and well worth making - once.

Cass was born in Nottingham on 13th January 1954.  He had two brothers, Cal and Sean and a sister, Shoshi.  

His early years were spent in the Nottingham area where he attended primary school and in the early 1960's the family moved to Australia, but returned to the UK a year later.

Cass obtained an educational scholarship and attended Westbridgeford Grammar School.  Although he was undoubtedly  intelligent he could also be rebellious albeit in a rather understated way.

By Cass's own admission his upbringing was somewhat different fromthat of his peers.  The family lived in what he described as 'the big house' which, because of its size and position overlooking the other houses in the area naturally set  him apart from the other kids.  The house had no television set and therefore Cass and his siblings had to find their own way of keeping themselves amused.  Cass recalled that, at the time, he was somewhat proud of the fact the they did not have a TV although he was later to wonder if their father had brainwashed them into thinking that it was something they should be proud of as his excused for not buying one.

Cass described his father as "not being someone to whom you could attach the 'average guy' tag". Pancho may have been a somewhat unconventional parent but he was to have a very strong influence on the way Cass viewed life and the way he was to deal with things, especially his illness, later in life.  Cass described him as being his lifelong friend throughout all the ups and downs in his life.

A few months before he was due to take his 'A' levels, Cass decided he needed to have some fun and he and some of his friends decided to have a party.  Not content with a few beers in the kitchen of some local student accommodation they decided that they needed a beach - a large beach - and they found one - The Sahara Desert!

By all accounts the party was a great success but during the fun Cass lost all the revision notes he had taken with him to prepare himself for his 'A' levels.  He did not tell his Dad but passed his exams anyway.

As Cass was not known as one who would willingly conform to the rules laid down by society, it came as something of a surprise when he announced that he intended to join the Police Force.

Cass was someone who was always looking for the next adventure and challenge in life and after a couple of years on the beat he became 'bored' with the Police and decided to move on.  This was a pattern that was to be repeated many times during his life.

He tried his hand at his own business for a while, but having learned the outdoor advertising business with his father, he decided eventually that this was probably where his niche was.

He returned to the family business for a while before joining a large company where he made some good friends.

Over the years Cass had several relationships, some of which are probably best left in the past where they belong, but other in which he enjoyed some good times.

In 1993 A young lady by the name of Kim arrived at the company where he was working, for a job interview.  On entering the building she came across a man standing on a table beating the hell out of a chair in a a very John Cleese sort of way.  On seeing Kim he stopped and said hello before resuming his chastisement of the chair as if it was the most natural thing in the world for a man to be doing.

This was Kim's first introduction to Cass Brown and she told me that as she stood there laughing she fell in love with him.  The chemistry between them was immediate and their relationship flourished both professionally and personally.  It soon became apparent to everyone that Kim and Cass had become inseparable and the laughter that for Kim had started the moment she met him was to continue for the rest of Cass's life.

Kim told me that her relationship with Cass was the best example of opposites attracting one another that she has come across. She was always a bit cautious and always chose a course of action which took into account what others might think.  Cass on the other hand just didn't give a damn.  But it worked for them.

In 1997 Kim and Cass were married - "Any excuse for a party!" and shortly after they returned to France.

It was during 2000 that Cass became unwell, suffering stomach pain and digestive problems and eventually despite his protests, was persuaded by Kim to see a doctor and following a scan the same day was diagnosed with a large tumour on his colon.

After a series of chemotherapy, radiotherapy treatments and a major operation, eventually Kim and Cass decided to move back to England.

On top of dealing with the cancer that was by this time spreading throughout his body, Cass also had to deal with a life threatening blood clot (1 of many).  But despite this and repeated courses of chemotherapy and the inevitable debilitation this caused he NEVER ONCE felt sorry for himself.  To have done so would to him have been a waste of time and energy.  His philosophy was: 'This isn't about you its about the people you will be leaving behind.  Use whatever time you have to make them happy and for God's sake,  MAKE THEM LAUGH!'

Cass's black but wonderful sense of humour remained the same throughout his illness. His book is full of wonderful stories that will have you crying with laughter.

Because Cass had successfully jumped so many hurdles over the preceding years, his family and friends had perhaps understandably become just a little complacent about his illness.  He certainly never reminded anyone that he was ill and sometimes even forgot he had cancer himself.

The original prognosis given to Cass on his return to England was that he could expect to live for about 6-18 months.  His determination to enjoy what life he had left meant that he exceeded this alloted time more than two fold.  However, the last few months of his life proved to be very difficult and he knew he had passed what he called his 'dead by date' and that things were not looking too good.

As Christmas approached he was determined and able to visit Cambridge just to buy Rita's present but it was obvious that his strength was slowly ebbing away.

Cass did not want to go into hospital as he saw this as an admission of defeat, but eventually the decision was made that he should go so that he could be cared for more easily.  It was there that he died, or as he would have put it "Assumed Room Temperature" on the afternoon of Saturday 6th January 2007 - just 7 days before his 53rd birthday.

We have heard a brief synopsis of Cass's life and the inspirational way he dealt with his illness. However in the time available today I can only draw a sketch of the man he was.  I will leave it to you, his family and friends, to add the colour that will make this tribute complete.

We will now have a period of quiet reflection so that you can bring to mind your own memories of Cass.  The two pieces of music we will hear have been specially chosen for this part of our ceremony. 

REFLECTION MUSIC:  Queen's 'Who wants to live forever' and 'So dear friends' sung by Freddie Mercury.

So how will you remember Cass?

Some will remember him as the complete hedonist.  Always looking for the next opportunity to enjoy hmself.

Others will remember his infectious personality.  When in Cass's company you were never bored.

Others still will remember him as a natural teacher, someone who at times could be a bit cynical but who could never be ignored.

You will all have your own memories of Cass which hopefully will sustain you in the days and weeks ahead but I thought our final words today should belong to those who meant most to him - his family.

His father Pancho said. "The death of Cass means the end of an era."

His brother Sean said, "Well ...."

To which his brother Cal quickly replied "No he wasn't!"

His Step-son Russell said: "To have one dad was great but to have a second one in Cass was very special.  He treated me as an adult from the start and is responsible for me being the man I am today - so it's all your fault Cass!"

His step-son Tom said: "Put it down to experience Cass!"

His wife Kim told me "Without CB there is no KB - we remain - ALWAYS"

And finally, his daughter Rita has the following message for you all:

"If there is one thing my Dad brought people, it was laughter.  When you leave here I hope you still remember the laughter and joy he spread about and in the future when you think of him, I hope he can still bring a smile to your faces."

Cass and a number of his close friends had formed an association to help them deal with the trials of life that manifest themselves in different ways in each of our lives.  'THE SHIT HAPPENS CLUB' As we come to the end of our ceremony and the curtains close around Cass, I have been asked (by Rita) to play a song that became the unofficial theme tune of this club.  Therefore we will have no formal committal.  Instead we will listen to this song, but as I said at the beginning of the service, those of you with a sensitive disposition may wish to leave by the back door now. the song is called ......... Well, I'll let it speak for itself.

Closing music:  Blink 182 - I wanna fuck a dog in the arse.

Thank you so much to Andrew Patey for making the ceremony for Cass so fitting.  The greatest compliment I can bestowe is that Cass would have loved every minute of it and that people left laughing was exactly what he wanted - thank you again. 

A huge THANK YOU also goes out to Andrew and staff at Newlings of Royston - Andrew you really helped me through - Thank you.

To everyone who attended and those who had us all in their thoughts - Thank you too - from CB as well. 

Not to put too finer point on it, I think I have probably been classed AWOL.  I know that I promised to write soonest, but to be perfectly honest, life suddenly became very bloody hard. I do still intend to post 'The Service Report' and hopefully it will be within the next couple of weeks before or just after my own hospital stay, when perhaps I can muster up some more courage.

Keep on giggling (he insists!!)

Love to all
Kim xx 

This is just a quick message to everyone who has left a message since Cass decided he was pissed off dealing with mere mortals and needed higher stimulus. 

Please give me a bit more time and I hope to post a copy of the transcript of the 'service' - sounds a bit bizarre but those of you who log on from time to time will understand.  Rest assured that everyone left the building smiling - which is exactly what Cass would have wanted - well done Rita!!

I miss Cass more than words (even his) could ever express - every second of my life was/is still his.

It was always Cass and I up against the world - that remains unchanged - He is still here behind me.   

I think he would finally be impressed that I have managed to post something, without tuition (told you he was still here!)  but then he's probably thinking - you should know how to bloody do it!

Anyway please know that we all deeply appreciate your words and messages and will continue with postings soonest. (Oh God I can hear him moaning about the content of this posting so I'm gonna sign off for now and promise to post properly soon).

With love to all

Kim  

Sadly I have to inform you that Cass passed away on Saturday.

He fought long and hard and deserves his rest and peace.

I know he very much, appreciated the friendship and words of
encouragement he received from all over the world and I would ask that
you to try to  smile whenever you think of him and/or Cancergiggles - as
was his wish.  I hope that you continue to find some comfort his words.

As Cass would say -  "shit happened".

Thank you for supporting him.

With love to you all

Kim Brown and family.

I have been around this sort of stuff for long enough and should have realized that 24 hours after the end of my last chemo, I wouldn't be able to leap tall buildings or enter iron man competitions. One of the groups of cells which may be damaged is the lining of the gut, which it seams in my case has brought about a condition known as Irritable Bastard Syndrome. My problem has been that I was caught unawares and I had allowed "the other me" (the one that deals with pains and other nasties) a summer holiday. As a result, the me that likes to laugh, started to deal with this problem in a very inefficient and inept manes, turning me into the sort of pain in the ass bastard who should, by my own standards, be shot.

The main effects of the situation are as follows. The IBS causes severe pain in both sides of the body, going east and west from the navel, from front to back. This is normally a 12 hour per day problem, alleviated by the drug induced sleep which intersperses the rest of the day. This is somewhat heightened by the peripheral neuropathy caused by the chemo and lymphoma problems from the blood clot (lack of sensation in feet and hands, acute sensitivity to noise and idiots, lack of balance, inability to focus and a strange occasional dyslexia). The troops had to be called once I discovered Kim and Rita creeping around the house in chain mail, clutching medium calibre semi automatic weapons in case of a further unprovoked "Cass attack" following a loud cup moving incident or other high crime.

A visit from brother Cal (Machiavelli's dad) helped me to focus on the fact that all was not as it should be in my synapse connection department. Wrong me dealing with the problem and a possible need for further investigation/treatment by the medics. As usual - point well taken.

Macmillan Alien Julia visited and also convinced me that as well as various herbs and potions being worth a try, I should also consider that maybe my currying below par state could be a psychological reaction to 5 years of weirdness i.e. - I had enough of this. Not, I hasten to add, was she inferring that I was ready for the Big Chemo Ward in the Sky, rather that it was all wearing a bit thin and it had all started to get to me. As usual - point well taken.

A piece of advice here about points well taken. With the exception of drugs (and she's pretty hot on that as well) just about everything that was said, had been repeated to me on numerous occasions be the one who suffers most of the grief from me being ill - Kim. For some reason which is wildly beyond me, the voice which understands and is the closest is the one which is the most simple to dismiss as interference. Why my head does this (and I'm damn sure that there are loads of other "Kims" who suffer the same) is beyond me, but the rule is to get some outside voice to crack the sense into the nut.

So this was all followed up with a visit to Camelot yesterday where I was greeted by new doctors with Arthur Pendragin having disappeared to another hospital. My major concern as always, was not whether they had passed any form of medical training, rather an examination of their humour index. Passed brilliantly and I think that from the questions and examination, my doctor had also completed some pretty classy exams as well.

So I now know that most of what is wrong with me is normal for someone who is as screwed up as I am, so now I'm a happy bunny again. Take the pills and in a few months time I'll be fit for human society again. The other me is back from hols so he is dealing with the pain bits and I hope I am now at least tolerable to live with again. Well as much as ever.